25 Years Too Late...

25 Years Too Late...

Monday, 31 March 1986

Loving BMW More Than Ever...

‘Too Late For Goodbyes’ – Julian Lennon




Well, bugger me randy! What happened today?

a-ha! I went to Grannie Sugden’s, where I began to realise that I love BMW more than ever. I can’t wait to get home to see her!


SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK! BILLY! Y’DO! BILLY! JEFFRY!

[‘Well, my lad, what are you trying to do to me?’ B Groomstool, ‘86]




[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 13 July 2011 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

NEXT TIME: ‘Eight years from now…’ 

Sunday, 30 March 1986

Twelfth Night

‘Machine Age Voodoo’ – SPK


Flash came to my Gran’s. We listened to our Leeds tape (The Tartan Busride) and we tried to record a version of Twelfth Night, but scrapped it because it was pensioners. It was a good laugh, though.

 
FOR MASH GET SMASH! MMMMMMMM! MMMMMMMM!


Pick ‘n’ Mix:




[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘BMW…’

Big love to Waen Shepherd

Saturday, 29 March 1986

The Tartan Busride

‘Field Work’ – Thomas Dolby


Flash and I went to Leeds (and tape-recorded our adventures for The Situation). It was one of the greatest days of my soppy life. I bought Amazing Spider-Man 275



A great day out!

WHAT IS THE PSYCHOTIC PINEAPPLE?

Whatever it is, it has a cast of thousands, featuring:
R Winterfood, D Gordon, J Thompson, J Abbott, E Barlow, D Chegwin + S Flowers.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Twelfth Night…’

Friday, 28 March 1986

Nicky Brown

‘Mickey’ – Toni Basil

Lately, I’ve started having sexual fantasies about three girls from school I really fancy:

Nicky Brown
Tara Speed
Katy Gaynor

In fact, of the three, I have a serious crush on Nicky Brown. She makes my kegs burst.



Oh, today I went into shitey Cas and bought ‘Wildest Dreams’, Bill Nelson’s latest 12-inch. With a free autographed print! Groove!

Flash and I are going to Leeds tomorrow. And we’ll be tape recording the event!

YOW DO! MANY LOADS AND MILLIONS AND MUCH! IGOR! ALIAS THE JESTER!

Wackly Woo Bong!


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Leeds…’

Thursday, 27 March 1986

Climbing High?

My No.1: ‘Love Missile F1-11 (Video Mix)’ – Sigue Sigue Sputnik


At last! I reached my Grandma Winterfood’s in Castleford. As soon as I got here, we went straight to an engagement party for Kev’s brother, Dean. And it’s fab ‘n’ mellow, because I reckon my Granddad realises, at last, that I’m growing up and like the odd jar now and then.

Hey! Guess what, folks? My Grannie Sugden’s moved house. Again!

Right, it’s time to say goodbye, you dimmocks, cos I’m off to the bog for a slash.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Nicky Brown…’

Wednesday, 26 March 1986

Blessings In Disguise

‘Seduction’ – SPK



A lot has happened to that amazing bunch of dossers, The Situation, since February 1985, and now it is March ’86. What now lies in store for this brilliant bunch of wickers?

Of course, you’ll know by now that, due to unfortunate circumstances, Danyel ‘Flash’ Gordon wasn’t allowed to stay at my house! Cack ‘n’ babber, yes, but in a way, the hands of Fate, Destiny and Reason must have been looking after me and holding me in their gear favour.
Astra Trellis finally said
she didn’t mind me having Hazel Church over instead of her, but has not really spoken to me since. Widgy. Neither has Hazel. Y’do loads.
THE PSYCHOTIC PINEAPPLE!

WIDGIE!

‘Still Life In Mobile Homes’ – Japan


As my hair grew long and shaggy, I became much more interested in Japan and David Sylvian.

At the end of the half term week, I finally visited the spackerfied Flash Gordon at his groovy spazhip home, Gordon Villas, Pontefract. We recorded more interesting Situation arcana, dossed about and ate lots of spoggies. Although we had fallen out during the previous week, we were friendly again.


HIPS, LIPS, GUNS, GUITARS, FLEK!

Sigue Sigue Sputnik arrived upon the bonny Rock Scene at this time, and I became interested. This was my soundtrack at this time; the time I finally saw my Dad for the first time in 7 months, and finally saw my Gran & Granddad Winterfood.


(I should also mention that I really like ‘Kiss’ by Prince…)

‘La Vie En Rose’ – Grace Jones


Slowly, I began to miss my relationship with Beatrice Miranda Wasp and longed to be with her again. Her image changed and she became much more trendy. I found myself loving her again, although she’ll probably never know or understand this!

When I cropped my hair, the fair arrived in Wisbech. Jyp Joey and I ventured there with Jazz, to see if we could grab a few laughs. I bumped into BMW and Sue Evans. BMW seemed to be much more beautiful than ever, in her orange ski-pants and black jacket. I so much wanted to return to those long passed days of yore. Joey and I spent most of our time at the fair with them…

BMW has grown both idealistically and image-wise. As well as in beauty. She is the girl I want to spend the rest of my days with; the perfect teenage ‘woman’ in every sense of the word.

‘Living In America’ – James Brown


The following week, I visted BMW after a boring, lonesome night on the town, and I told her how much I’d enjoyed the night at the fair. She’d enjoyed it, too, so we arranged to go and see Rocky IV the following Saturday. This was eventually changed to the Thursday. I took along the gang: Scumburger, Cheggers and Joey. BMW brought Sue.

During the film, I ‘went’ with BMW (kissing and fingering), and hopefully that bodes well for our future, as I’m planning on getting back together.



b.m.w

b.m.w

A stubbly, curly-mulleted man in shirt and tie (moody)…

A bald thug in shades, and a single quiff of hair emerging above his forehead…


b.m.w
A point-eared demon with a curled quiff, all sharp teeth, sidelong eyes, collar and tie…

A flick haired trendy with tie-on beard and dark glasses…

Michael Heseltine, thrashing…


It’s late March now and I am going to froody Castleford for the half term. Gad (which is how posh people say ‘good’).

Mig! Nig! Wong!

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Climbing high…’

Tuesday, 25 March 1986

Twelve Years From Now: 25/03/98

TWELVE YEARS FROM NOW…

‘Even After All’ – Finley Quaye


I’m loving this Finlay Quaye album that Lili bought me.

She is my babe.

And what of the Doomsday Asteroid?
Will we all die in 2028?
It would save on a pension…

Beckett’s Krapp’s Last Tape – is this me? The tapes? The vision on the jetty? Is this me?

Oh, and apparently Doctor Who might be in production again soon.

Doctor Who books I have so far read in 1998:

The Dying Days – utterly amazing!

Business Unusual – very, very good!

Just War – staggeringly good!

Managra – not bad.

The Face of the Enemy – very good.

Invasion of the Cat-People – very good.

But right now I am re-reading Strindberg’s The Ghost Sonata – really good.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Back to 1986 – big time…’

Big love to Waen Shepherd

Monday, 24 March 1986

Twelve Years From Now: 24/03/98

TWELVE YEARS FROM NOW…

‘It’s Great When We’re Together’ – Finley Quaye


One day I will die.

It’s almost too much to contemplate.

I mean, really. What is it all about? I am nearly 28 and I’m still not doing 'THE THING'. If I can just get my dissertation moving and my prep for the Finals

Soon it will be May, and I have things to write.

And is it true? Has Iraq threatened to use Anthrax on Britain?


WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘More from 1998…’

Sunday, 23 March 1986

Eight Years From Now: 23/03/94

EIGHT YEARS FROM NOW…

‘A to H (And Back Again)’ – Sheep On Drugs


Got a letter from Betty today. It seems that Jonny, Jolene and Nandy are doing their own East Anglian T.I.E tour. Part of me felt angry when I read that at first. Don’t get me wrong, it’s fantastic that they’ve got some work to go to (until June, at least), but right now I could do with some work, too. Everything’s so stagnant and I’d love to be working with those guys. I guess I felt bitter that they hadn’t involved me, after all the stuff we’ve done together. But then I guess I can’t go on working with the same people forever.

Anyway, tonight I watched a fantastic piece of television: The Reflective Skin. It was worthy of the title ‘Genius’.

Oh aye, and in two weeks’ time, that ‘lodger’ of Grant’s tries it on with Sharon – and shoots Michelle! I look forward to seeing that.

MUSIC: Adam and the Ants, David Sylvian & Robert Fripp, Reborn, The Police, Billy Idol, Deacon Blue, Bruce Woolley & the Camera Club, Beck, Alison Moyet, Carter USM, Bruce Springsteen, Morrissey, Howard Jones, Thompson Twins, Joy Division.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Twelve Years From Now…’

Saturday, 22 March 1986

Seven Years From Now: 22/03/93

SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW…

'The Sisters Of Mercy’ – Leonard Cohen


Went over and spent the day with Betty. That’s about it.

Tonight I compiled a new tape called Spring Classics, featuring:

'Severina' - The Mission
‘Lola' - Cud
‘Eight Miles High’ – The Byrds
‘The Point Of Collapse’ – Wire
‘The Crystal Ship’ – The Doors
‘Jihad’ – The Sisterhood
‘Come Before Christ And Murder Love’ – Death In June
‘No Escape’ – Cabaret Voltaire
‘Is This The Life?’ – The Cardiacs
‘Heaven On Earth’ – The Mission
‘Movin’ On Up’ – Primal Scream
‘Temple Of Love 1992’ – Sisters Of Mercy
‘Smells Like…’ – Alien Sex Fiend
‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ – Nirvana
‘Evergreen’ – Into A Circle
‘Heart Full Of Soul’ – Ghost Dance
‘Ahead’ – Wire
‘Build A Fire’ – KLF
‘All Along The Watchtower’ – Jimi Hendrix
‘The Sisters Of Mercy’ – Leonard Cohen


Enjoy!

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Eight Years From Now…'

Friday, 21 March 1986

Five Years From Now: 21/03/91

‘Drive That Fast’ – Kitchens of Distinction


LAST NIGHT’S DREAM:
I was in a shopping precinct, walking past Jolene and loads of her mates. They were all slagging me off. When I sat down in a café, I was with Leighton Holt and we were getting on really well. He was with Polly’s old acquaintance, Gillian. Then Kat walked by, totally ignoring us – and her brother who was also suddenly with us.

I dream about Kat a lot. Larry wants her to be in AMADEUS with Jonny and me. I think I’d like that, actually.

‘Ten Little Girls’ – Curve


Iraq’s in turmoil. Saddam vs. the People, basically.

The Poll Tax has ‘gone’. I don’t know what’s replacing it. Probably something worse.

One of my STAR TREK tapes snapped. I repaired it.

I’ve completed a Camera Script for the proposed Situation/Berwin film, and I’m very pleased with it.

‘Sons of the Stage’ – World of Twist


I think about Fergie a lot. It’s a year ago that she swore she loved me and would go out with me once Peter was out of the way. The sun, my stripy t-shirt, ‘Loaded’, the B52’s

The feel of her, the kiss of her… Beautiful Mary-Jane Ferguson.

God, I want to cry at my pasts as they pile themselves upon each other, towering over me, threatening to fall and destroy me.

I do miss Fergie. We never get in touch.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Seven Years From Now…’

Thursday, 20 March 1986

Love Missile F1-11

‘Train Of Thought’ – a-ha


I bought a copy of Smash Hits for the brilliant Sigue “Sigue” Sputnik interview (‘the future of rock ‘n’ roll or a load of codswallop?’).

It also had some smart stuff about: Siouxsie and the Banshees, David Bowie, Kate Bush, Prince, and a-ha.

Noonoodingaling!

My No.1: ‘Love Missile F1-11’ – Sigue Sigue Sputnik


Pick ‘n’ Mix…
Nicky Brown, Janice Long, Taped Plastic, hallucinations, Jabba on Pick Your Poison, Mount Everest, snow, Julian Lennon, Queensgate, ‘Pop Goes The Weasel’, Equity, Eurythmics, Radio Tokyo, News Of The World, Arsewallah Fatso, Cadbury’s Crème Eggs, Jack Jones, box-files, Tom Bailey, Mars bars, The Technos, The Two Ronnies, Agfa Compact cassettes, Robin Hood, taking the piss, Tarzan, Denis Thatcher, Shakespeare, SBDs, Star Wars, Dangermouse, cesspits, Red Star deliveries, Barry Norman, James Bond, Jilly’s Willy, Pointless Meanderings, Remington Steele, Dan Dare, Ian Botham, Warner Bros, Channel 4 News, The Beano, Slags, Wang Chung, Stan Flowers, bisexuality, Sadie Woolf, Not The Benson Remix, pea-shooters, Wall Of Voodoo, periodic table, Jazz Thompson, Dixons cassettes, John Cole, sweets, Kenny Everett.

I just goffed.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Five Years From Now…’

Big love to Waen Shepherd and Dennis Townend

Wednesday, 19 March 1986

Twelve Years From Now: 19/03/98

TWELVE YEARS FROM NOW…

‘Gymnopedie 3’ – Erik Satie


Lili and I have Jack staying with us at the moment. He’s here to attend interviews at Microsoft in London. It’s good to see him.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Back to 1986…’

Tuesday, 18 March 1986

Five Years From Now: 18/03/91

FIVE YEARS FROM NOW...
‘Ribbons’ – The Sisters of Mercy


MUSIC:
Cud, Sisters Of Mercy, Kitchens Of Distinction, World Of Twist, Vinegar Joe, Julie Driscoll, James, Rolling Stones, Faith No More, Pet Shop Boys, Elton John, Thompson Twins, Jane’s Addiction.

The future is full of options and possibilities, but until I see something concrete, I shall never find peace, find myself.

I’m scared that I might be breaking down again, flooding myself with frustration and depression. The tears are rolling over my confident fascia, my defences are crumbling. The mask is melting.

Life begins to look pointless.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Twelve Years From Now…’

Monday, 17 March 1986

Seven Years From Now: 17/03/93

SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW…

‘Life In The Air Age’ – Be Bop Deluxe


A lazy day.

Hot News!

Willock’s left Kat!

That saga gets more and more curious.

Doctor Who Rumours
A feature-length episode will be made this year, possibly starring Tom Baker or Sylvester McCoy, in which the Doctor dies! It might even be produced by BBC Video

Doctor Who On Radio
A radio series is being recorded with Jon Pertwee as the Doctor.

Doctor Who I’ve Been Watching

I watched William Hartnell in The Space Museum last nite. First time I’ve ever seen it – dodgy UK Gold recording. It was ‘okay’.


I started watching Doctor Who and the Silurians today and it’s ace.

Doctor Who I've been reading...

The Androids Of Tara – good.


K9 & Company – excellent.


The King’s Demons – excellent.

I’m currently reading Warriors Of The Deep and it’s not very good at all really…

‘Sister Seagull’ – Be Bop Deluxe


If I have to go through another day like today (hot sun, nothing useful to do, no job, no money) I’ll go mad.

MUSIC: Be Bop Deluxe, Love & Money, The Shamen, Peter Gabriel, Heaven 17, Propaganda.

SEE YEEERRRRR!

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Five Years From Now…’

Sunday, 16 March 1986

Six Years From Now: 16/03/92

SIX YEARS FROM NOW...
‘It’s A Fine Day’ – Opus 3


Lilith came to stay and it’s great to love her. Even if she does keep banging on about this guy she fancies. Bloody cheek!

‘Bang’ – Blur


MUSIC: Opus 3, U2, Blur, Shakespear’s Sister, Madonna, Danse City, The Fall.


[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Seven Years From Now…’

Saturday, 15 March 1986

Seven Years From Now: 15/03/93

SEVEN YEARS FROM NOW…

She went into Norwich Hospital at 9am this morning and had the operation at 2pm. I was there for her, at her bedside. Although she was bleeding and tired – she couldn’t sleep – she looked strangely beautiful. They said she wouldn’t be allowed out till 8pm, and definitely wasn’t allowed to get on a bus back to my place. She wanted to discharge herself, but I encouraged her to stay in hospital overnight. Just to be sure. It’s for the best. She knew I was right, but she got upset, telling me she felt so alone.

She’s not alone. When she cried on me, I made her laugh. For as long as she’ll let me, I’ll never let her be alone. My very spirit is hers. I love her. And she loves me.

But god, I mourn the passing of today.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Six Years From Now…’

Friday, 14 March 1986

To the Parent or Guardian of Ritcherd Winterfood...

‘Blackbird’ – The Beatles


Noo!

Another letter from school to my Mum:

To the Parent or Guardian of Ritcherd Winterfood

Staff are becoming increasingly concerned at the lack of effort being made by your son in the subject area(s) listed below. National examinations are the first real challenge in a young person’s life and they can have a great influence upon progression into the adult world.

Your son is in direct competition with thousands of other young people throughout the country. Fifth year students should be working at least two hours each evening in preparation for the examinations.

The staff at school are happy to give guidance with revision programmes and we have created a lunchtime study room but ultimately it requires a determined effort by the student to realise their obvious talents.

The staff are most concerned about the following areas:

History (lack of homework)
Art (homework)
R. E. (homework + attitude)
Maths


Yours sincerely,


Kevin Burleigh

K. Burleigh
Headteacher


Piss bloody off, you twillock.

However…

The Principal at Norfolk College of Arts and Technology (on Tennyson Avenue, King's Lynn) has offered me a place on a full time A-level course. If I pass my exams, I’ll be starting there in September. I have to accept the offer over the next two weeks and attend a reception in June. My contacts at the college are the Principal’s secretary, Mrs Cole and my Admissions Tutor, Ms R O'Brien. Good, eh?

I miss female companionship…

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Seven Years From Now…’

Thursday, 13 March 1986

'Dear Bumhole...'

My No.1: ‘Love Missile F1-11’ Sigue Sigue Sputnik


Dear Bumhole,

Just ressently, I have been having problems with my ears. They have been getting full up with spunk jooce. Could you help me produce more, you snargling prollock, as I haven’t got enough for all my other orifi… I have it on the authority of a sertan well-known chemickal conglomerate that their might be a lucrative market for this kind of thing. Can you help with this, or simular prodgects? Or shall I have to nack and bray you, you arseburp ballbag?

You mite also be interested to know that I have started a colleshon of famous foreskins and have recently purchised those of Woodie Alan, Stephen Speilburg and Dame Hatty Jakes. Is their any failsafe method of authenticating these bargian buys?

Bye,

Jabba Abbott

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Dear Bumhole…’

Special thanks to Waen Shepherd

Wednesday, 12 March 1986

'Dear Flasher...'

‘Walk the Dog’ – Laurie Anderson


Dear Flasher,

I was very excited after wanking over ish 327 of Situation Weekly. Especially p. 28 which showed explicit scenes of gibbons and lambs crawling up Jabba Abbott’s fab bum crack, whilst you came vigorously over his chins.

Love,

Jazz Thompson

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Dear Bumhole…’

Tuesday, 11 March 1986

'Dear Aunty Flash...'

Britain’s No.1: ‘Chain Reaction’ - Diana Ross


Dear Aunty Flash,

I am writing to give you some helpful hints on photographing orgies.

1) A professional hint: make sure the camera is out of focus.
2) Ask your models to hide their faces from the camera.

Bye,

Jabba Abbott

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Dear Flasher…’

Monday, 10 March 1986

Sadie Woolf

‘Manic Monday’ – The Bangles


Typical Letter Fragment Of The Type Passed Between Ritcherd Winterfood, ‘Smelly/Sexy’ Sadie Woolf and Jazz Thompson During Maths (On Graph Paper, Of Course…):

Jazz:
Well, it is none of your bizness (?) but, as I’m feeling generous…

(Diagram of Jazz’s bell-end, drawn to scale and measuring 1.5 inches across.)

(Note: Total Penis Length: 8 inches)

Ritch:
Don’t be disgusting, you pervy wammon. Ignore him. He’s being rude. Anyway, I don’t believe his helmet is that big. I mean, who can have one so small?

Sadie:
Jazz, you little liar! I don’t believe a word of it, you naughty little boy. Ritcherd, I agree entirely. He’s just showing off. I think that his drawing of a so-called ‘helmet’ looks like a great big lavatory bowl!!

Ritch:
The lad is warped. He believes his willie is the lavvie because, when he was little, someone said ‘You can see your willie when you go for a wee’. He now believes willie is the word for a toilet bowl. Admittedly, his toilet bowl is very small. Bye-bye. I want a reply, Sexy Sadie.

Sadie:
Ritch, oh Master Ritch, you make me go all wobbly inside!! You’re ever so sexy, Master Ritch. Please – impregnate me if you like!

Ritch:
Yes, yes, I’m sure, you dosser. Could you please search my snoot underpants for hidden weapons?

Sadie:
No. But have you got any drugs?

Ritch:
NO!

Sadie:
Well do you want some then?


Ritch:
Well, Sadie darling, I’m not sure. Got any kebabs?

Sadie:
No, but I’ve got some magic mushrooms at home!!

Ritch:

Go and get them then. And the bondage gear, so we can beat the shit out of Tia.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative and contextual purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Dear Aunty Flash…’

Sunday, 9 March 1986

Five years From Now: 09/03/91

FIVE YEARS FROM NOW…

‘Magic’ – Cud


I awoke fairly early, cuddling POLLY. I bathed, dressed and finally said goodbye, as I left Leeds and got the train to Castleford.

I went to see Annie at the optician’s, and then went off to Elbow’s, where we did some highly enjoyable SITUATION recording. I never thought we’d get on so well.

This evening, Elbow drove me to my Dad’s where I had tea with him and Annie. We watched videos and finally broke some of that psycho-emotional ground I’ve been dying to break for ages (I have Polly to thank for supporting me on this). My Dad and I were a little more tactile than usual and because I was more ‘open’, he seemed more ‘open’. We even talked about our respective experiences of taking ACID. I feel kind of closer to him now – as if I’m no longer just a ‘kid’ in his eyes.

After this I came to Louise and Kev’s (where I’m staying) and we chatted for ages before I came up to bed.

I miss Polly, you know.

MUSIC:

Cud, KLF, The Beatles, Curve, Jesus Jones, The Bee Gees, The Kinks, Clifford T Ward, Procol Harum, The Byrds, The Shamen, Electric Prunes, Scaffold, Xpansions.

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative and contextual purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Back to 1986 with Sadie Woolf…’

Saturday, 8 March 1986

Eleven Years From Now: 08/03/97

ELEVEN YEARS FROM NOW…

‘What Do You Want From Me?’ – Monaco


Telephoned FERGIE (who has now finished with Alexander) and she told me that she now believes that she ‘really love(s)’ me. I was grateful for the sentiment and returned it in kind.

But I wish LILI would give herself over to me…

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative and contextual purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Five years from now…’

Friday, 7 March 1986

What's The Situation?

‘Hollow Hills' – Bauhaus


Okay, you lucky chiddies, you – here’s an update on the 1985 Situation tapes

Doctor Who: The Four And A Half Doctors
Tribute To A Shyt/Doctor Who: Documentality
Doctor Who And The Invasion Of The Willy Snatchers
Doctor Who: The Phoenix Dies
The Musical Compilation
The Ritch And Flash Extravaganza

Doctor Who: The Four And A Half Doctors (And The Bears!)
Nuclear Campaign Against Ritcherd ‘85
Ritcherd Gets Beaten Up / Doctor Who And The Man From Del Monte
Olympic Games 1984
Something Gay
Horror From The Script: Plus!

AIDS Campaign Against Elbow And The Soggy Nobs

The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Le Conte De Noel


The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Time After Time (Doctor Who And The Soggy Nobs)

The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Horror From The Original Script


The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Billy Aid
The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Ritcherd The Epitaxial [DELETED]
The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: Ritcherd The Epitaxial (Version)


The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: The Five Doctor Spews
The Situation’s 1985 Booty Bag: A Merry Wetlands Xmas!

Ritcherd For President ‘86


And there’s more to come!
Oh, and I want a blue futon!

WHAT RITCHERD WAS UP TO A YEAR AGO

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders / Based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th Century, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is also non-profit and all video clips are used for illustrative and contextual purposes / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context, and never forget: no man is an island.]

NEXT TIME: ‘Eleven years from now…’

Special thanks to Waen Shepherd, John Guilor and Jason Bell