25 Years Too Late...

25 Years Too Late...

Sunday, 30 June 1985

What is Sunday?

‘Love Resurrection’ – Alison Moyet


Sunday is a day of rest…’ God

‘Sunday is a fuckin pest…’ The Enlightened One

‘Sunday is a time for peace…’ Jesus

‘Sunday is a puddle of piss...’ The Dashing Hero

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 2 years ago:
‘I got Return of the Jedi issue 3

We got Flash Gordon out on the video. Great music.’


[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Saturday, 29 June 1985

Kraftwerk in Milton Keynes

‘Spacelab’ – Kraftwerk


Went to Milton Keynes with Mum and Freddie.

They bought me Autobahn and The Man Machine by Kraftwerk … good, eh?


I also bought a copy of Return of the Jedi comic (issue 107), to see how it’s going, but it was really crap.


‘Milton Keynes isn’t bad…’ remarked the Dashing Hero.

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Friday, 28 June 1985

More from Walpole Rollerdrome...

'Fall In' - Adam and the Ants.


As I’d stayed over at Blackberry Narrow, Mum gave me the day off school. I didn’t do a lot.


Tonight I went to Skating and got pissed with Matt and the usual gang from school!

There’s this family that owns the Rollerdrome: Mummy, Daddy and three girls. One girl’s 17, one’s 14 and the other’s about 11-ish. One of the three is called Lizzie, but I’m not sure which – and they do all look the same, so I know them as the Loopy Lizzies! Mostly because one of them walks a cat around on a lead! And they all stare at you! Very unnerving, I assure you.

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 5 years ago:
‘I got
Doctor Who Weekly 38.’


This time last year:

‘Went on a school trip to Kentwell Hall – it was great!!!

I sat with Legs on the bus – we talked about The X-Men – and I started reading The Lord of the Rings . It’s great.’


[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Thursday, 27 June 1985

Mother Figure

‘It Hurts’ – The Lotus Eaters


It’s Jayne’s Birthday today!

George went on holiday to Portugal today.

I went to school (and worked on Mother Figure)!

Frankie went to Hollywood!

My No.1: ‘Welcome To The Pleasuredome (Frankie In The Dome Cassingle Mix)’ – FGTH

OLD DIARY ENTRIES...

This time 6 years ago:
‘I got Star Wars Weekly 71.’


[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Wednesday, 26 June 1985

Wipe Out

‘Wipe Out’ – The Surfaris


Tonight, Matt and I went to Pete Stubbs’ 18th Birthday Party at Skating. I got pissed again.

I now realise that I’m getting out more often than I used to.

I think I’ll go ‘skating’ every week now. One day I’ll probably even put some skates on and learn how to roller-skate – but I doubt it!

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Tuesday, 25 June 1985

Pervy Peter

Listening to Frankie Goes To Hollywood.


Peter Johnson who comes in our pub is a pervert and a big head! He chases after 16-year-old girls at Skating – and he’s 32!

This time 2 years ago:
‘I got Return of the Jedi issue 2.’


[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Monday, 24 June 1985

School...

‘All Through The Night’ – Cyndi Lauper


School, school, you bastard, school!
School, school, you cunt-face, school!
School, I must be silly to go to you.
I’m a fool, school, a schoolish fool.

William Shacklewilly

Apart from Matt coming down with Sammy (our lovely dog) at dinnertime, school was shit today, very obviously.

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Sunday, 23 June 1985

Purple Wellies

‘Sister of Mercy’ – The Thompson Twins


Went to Mum and Freddie’s again. They took me to Barnes Bysea for the day, along with Freddie’s pleasant and attractive 11-year old daughter, Paula!

Paula lives with her Mum in March and sprang from Freddie’s first marriage.

We got on really well, and I think she likes the idea of having a big ‘brother’.

Gollum!

Brundle Goes To Hollywood as:

PRINCESS and the 45rpms!
in
PURPLE
WELLIES

Featuring such, er, songs, well, ditties, whatever you want to call them, as, er, oh…

‘Let’s Go Mouldy’, ‘Take Me With Pooh’, ‘The Beautiful Bruns’, ‘Computer Brun’, ‘Darling Willi’, ‘When Horsh- Flies’, ‘I Would Spy 4 U’, ‘Purple Wellies’, ‘Bogey, I’m a Pratt!’, ‘1939’, ‘Little Green Bogey’ and ‘Erotic Brundle’


Brundle in full Prince regalia, but with cheap hankies and strings of toilet roll streaming from his many pockets. His hair permed and quiffed. He wears a Prince-style posing pouch, revealing dumpy, hairy legs. On his feet, the regulation wellies, with turn-downs. The wellies are made platforms by the dry horsh- on their soles. They pong! Pong!

With him is a bucket, full of sentient horsh—

It pongs. Pong!

Brundle is joined by Sheila E, played by Dave! Dave wears a vest and a tutu with a big ‘E’ pinned to it. His hair is slicked beautifully back, but for the usual stray wisps. His sideburns are thick and full, but his lipstick is pretty…

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 6 years ago:
‘Jack might not live to see his next birthday. He scribbled pink felt-tip all over the bed covers, the bedroom wall and the frame of the bunks. He got smacked for it.’

This time last year:
‘I got Return of the Jedi Weekly 54.’

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Saturday, 22 June 1985

Dashing Hero

‘Hole In My Shoe’ – Neil


Excerpts from Yooten Woodle’s book Dashing Hero:

“Our dashing hero climbed up from his chair and spoke to his batman. ‘Let’s spend a day in town!’ … ‘Yea, O Masterful One,’ sighed the batman … town was sparse … ‘Let’s view yon dashing motorbicycles, Sire,’ cried the batman … ‘Yeah!’ … ‘These bikes are shit!’ … The devious one in the brown car roared, ‘Let’s run that dashing young hero over!’ … ‘Aaah! You twat!’ screamed the dashing hero … Screech! … ‘You bastard! You indicated the wrong way!’ … ‘Stupid cow,’ sighed the batman … ‘Oh well.’ … ‘Let’s go home,’ chortled the hero!”

Thanks, Yooten!

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Friday, 21 June 1985

The Enlightened One

‘'Ullo, John, Got A New Motor?’ – Alexei Sayle


‘Now that’s odd!’ guffawed the Enlightened One quietly. He was leaning against the bar of the steamy Gay Sex Club, which was his home. ‘I must be Mr Boring Fart 1985,’ he sighed, feeling like a mere speck of global waste compared to the strange one, Matthew Bacon of Featherstone.

He recalled the nigh on two years of existential suffering he had endured in the sleepy village of West Walton and noted that his tormentor had only enjoyed such suffering for a mere week.

‘Still,’ sighed the Enlightened One, ‘odd that he’s been to the Rollerdrome and one hasn’t.’

And yet, the two intrepidly went to the skating rink – locally known as ‘Skating’ – where Ritcherd tried to seduce Susan Wheeler.

He failed and got pissed instead! But they did enjoy it! Bastards!

Orlso ut Skaytinn, I got torkin to most of the fifth yearz. Thay are all me maytz now!

Good, eh?

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 5 years ago:

‘I got Doctor Who Weekly 37 and Empire Strikes Back Weekly 122 from the parade.’

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Thursday, 20 June 1985

Nine Years From Now: 20/06/94

NINE YEARS FROM NOW…
Lilith now works part time at Radio Rentals, did I say? Which means soon we may be getting a video and a phone. I really hope so.

I did a lot of work on my audition piece today. I’ve found so much to do with it!

I feel so positive these days. Even if I don’t get the job, I’ll continue to feel positive. That’s not to say I don’t want the job – I do, desperately (so much so that whenever I haven’t been working on the piece, I’ve been doing vast amounts of concentrated wishing/praying). It’s a job I really, really want.

Another thing I’m praying for is my FULL EQUITY MEMBERSHIP. Paul and Pam are putting my documents forward tonight. Thank you so much, you two! And good luck to us all.



[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

Wednesday, 19 June 1985

The Big Cock-Up

THE BIG COCK-UP

‘Help!’ written in a gently jagged comic book Shouting Bubble. ‘I’ve made a cock-up!’

VAGUELY HAIRY POTATO HEAD: You are a cock-up!
AN ODDLY BULBOUS COCK: Ha-ha! Ho-ho! Fuckoff! I wish I was up!

‘No Fear, No Hate, No Pain’ – Eurythmics


I still feel depressed.

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 2 years ago:
‘I got the Return of the Jedi ‘Storybook’.’


This time last year:
‘I’ve started going out with Carol Ransome, one of the girls in the Fourth Year. I’ve known her for a while, through Joey. She’s a bit ‘fat’ but she’s got nice eyes and she’s really friendly. I really like her.’

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Tuesday, 18 June 1985

Puncture Club

Listening to ZZ Top


I saw Matt Bacon today. Freddie took us all to Peterborough where we had a pizza and went shopping. Matt told me he’d been to Walpole Rollerdrome Skating Rink in the week, with Big-Headed Peter Johnson who comes in the pub. He’s asked me to go this Friday.

Tonight I learned some lines for Confusions.

Britain’s No.1: ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ – The Crowd

My No.1: ‘Welcome To The Pleasuredome (Frankie In The Dome Cassingle Mix)’ – Frankie Goes To Hollywood


A Promotional Foto (for Shitshifters) of pop band Brundle Goes To Hollywood as:
Puncture
CLUB

with mad-haired Dave banging his little drum, growling through his mutton-chop sideburns and clad in ragged clothes, fur boots. Flies and scissors hover about his head, snipping…

Ritcherd’s Adidas three-stripe trainers pogo him into the air, clutching his bass guitar, Popeye style tattoos showing on the muscly arms that burst from his ripped black shirt. A vast and disgusting white-head pops amid sweaty spike-haired contortions, glurking and splurging in a custardy cascade…

Jabba plays lead, clad in shockingly bad ‘70s cabaret gear, his bow tie spinning in an attempt to distract the eye from his vile chequered trousers…


Jazz wears a silver space suit and helmet, setting the look off with a pair of woolly fingerless gloves, the occupants of which play across a Fairlight keyboard

Frog-faced, bug-eyed Brundle is dressed like a charity shop Boy George, clammy and barefoot, reeking of horsh –


A mini, brown-fingered Brundlette (Rachel Baker) will dance bravely between his legs, top hat at a jaunty angle.

Behind them is a skidded unicycle, tyre sss-ing in depression…

Behind that, a poster of Stu Rose – a Bugs Bunny-alike with a pair of curtains for hair. Across its face a cross. Below its chin the word: BANNED!


This time 2 years ago:
‘I got the latest Star Wars comic, which has now gone weekly and is calling itself Return of the Jedi. They’ve even started back at No.1, but I quite like it because some of it’s now in colour.’


[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Monday, 17 June 1985

Depression

‘Look Mama’ – Howard Jones


Hello, crud-features.

It’s Jack’s 11th birthday.

A narrow love heart with a black arrow thudding through it. THUD!

Just one thing: school is a reeeaaal BASTARD!

Bastard Face – a skeletal quiff-head – pokes his own huge finger into his own sharp temple, trying to remember his own what he’s been doing…

Is it really relevant to the situation?

I feel depressed.

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 2 years ago:
‘It is Jack’s 9th Birthday. I came to Gran Winterfood’s and got two Star Wars figures, an AT-ST and some money!’


This time last year:
‘I got Return of the Jedi issue 53.’






[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Sunday, 16 June 1985

Small Print





































































































Whoever reads this is a bastard.









[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Saturday, 15 June 1985

Failing to Find Mum

‘No Rest’ – New Model Army


Today I thought, ‘It’s a nice day today! I’ll go and see my Mum!’

I rang her but no one answered, so I went up town and bought 2000AD 423.


I saw Dave for a bit, and when he went I spent about four hours and nine miles looking for Blackberry Narrow (Freddie’s bungalow)! I never found it!

So, I set off back into Wisbech to get the LAST bus to our village (the 7.30pm). I got to the station at 7.15pm, but it turns out there’s a new timetable and the last bus now comes at 7pm!

Shit!

A pile of black shit, ponging and wiffing. Pong! Wiff!

Methought: Shit! Shit! Shit!

So I walked a further three miles from Wisbech to West Walton.

Life, you’re a bastard!



Squiggly-headed beings…

Mike McMahon-style noses and mouths…



Goofy dog-monkeys…

I also got Doctor Who Magazine issue 102 today.


Even so, I can feel depression coming on.



OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 2 years ago:
‘Jack and I went to see Return of the Jedi with Paul, his girlfriend Nina and her kids Wesley and Natasha…

…It was brilliant and I fancy Natasha. I got some Jedi stickers.’

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Friday, 14 June 1985

Bleeding Muggins

‘I Was Born To Love You’ – Freddie Mercury


Woke up today, only to hear that Mum, George, Daphne, Giles and everybody else had had a big argument last night. Mum rang Freddie, who picked her up and took her home to his place. George left hot on their heels, so I – like a bleeding muggins – ended up waiting at Aunty Vi’s all day for Daphne and Giles to pick me up and bring me home.

We got home eventually, so there!

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 6 years ago:
‘I got Star Wars Weekly 69 , which was good.’


This time 5 years ago:
‘I got Doctor Who Weekly 36 and the brilliant Empire Strikes Back Weekly 121.’


Well? What’re you waiting for? Read the next entry!

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Thursday, 13 June 1985

And Suddenly There Came a Bang!


NEW SERIES!

My No.1: ‘The Politics Of Dancing’ – Re-Flex


My Exams are over! What a bloody relief! School’ll be over soon, too! Thank the Lord Harry!

Hey, guys, guess what?

Even though I’ve been a bit of a Swotty Pants over my Exams this year, I bet I come bottom in the whole universe!

My English teacher, Mr (Mick) Royce lent me Maggie’s Farm, a great book of political cartoons by Steve Bell


…It’s a sort of comic strip Spitting Image.


I’ve also started reading The Omen ! Hah!

Anyway, right now I’m on my way to Pontefract and Leeds and other silly places dotted about Wonderful West Yorkshire! I think I’ll visit Danyel ‘Flash’ Gordon…

By the way, George’s finally talked my Mum into coming up here with him for the day…

Later:

Stopped off at Virgin Records. I bought the Welcome to the Pleasuredome LP pic-disc, the souvenir And Suddenly There Came a Bang! Frankie book and the ‘Welcome to The Pleasuredome’ and ‘Relax’ (US) cassinglettes.




As Mum and George went to Daphne and Giles’s house, I went to Danyel ‘Flash’ Gordon’s house. After our usual ‘hello’ chitchat, I lent him some of my silver bangles and a badge and we went out. We called for Pickle, but he didn’t come out, so we tried calling for Birdy. He wouldn’t come out either!

So I thought, ‘Flash, old chum, let’s pop down to my cousin Vicky’s house! She collects all sorts of Duran Duran ‘thingies’ – come on!’

So Flash and I valiantly trudged down to Vicky’s house where we watched some of the Royal Premiere of A View to a Kill .


Aunt Lizzie decided that Vicky should introduce Flash and I to the next-door neighbour’s daughter, Lisa. At least I think her name was Lisa. It might have been Nicola. I’m not so sure now! Anyway, she did. She’s not a bad piece, actually. But the thing that shocked me was that her mum was Shirley!

‘Who the hell’s Shirley?’ you ask.

When we lived in The Bell in Pontefract, my Mum used to go to Atlantis Health Club.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Yea, once more, yon lad is lost in nostalgia and sentiment!’


One of the people that worked there was Shirley, who became a great friend of my Mum AND Daphne. She came to work for us at the Bell not long before we left…

…nice little tangent there, huh?

No?

I bet you think I’m a right bastard, don’t you?

I’m right, it’s true! Everybody hates me. My teachers seem to hate me. My mates seem to hate me most of the time. The Fifth Years and the Third and Second Years hate me. I walk into town and I can hear people laughing at me. Then I wonder if I’m walking stupidly or even gay-ly. Then I try a different walk and it’s even sillier, even gayer! What a Bastard.


Life can be a real bastard!
I kid thee not!


A zip…


Janet Joy is so skinny and thin that she when she sticks her tongue out, she looks like a zip…


Arrow pointing to: Tongue!

Arrow pointing to: Joy.

A grumpy, blue-shadowed face, sporting a New Romantic-style side-parting and quiff asks: ‘Well? So? Why me, sod head?’


Anyway, Flash and I established an idea; a sort of plan whereby I would try and ‘go’ with Lisa/Nicola, and Flash would ‘go’ with Vicky. So we asked them to come out with us, which they did. We went down to the Off Licence, where I bought some Cider.

Eventually, Vicky and Lisa/Nicola went home, so Flash and I sat in the middle of the road, drinking and singing Duran Duran songs.

Following this, we went to Arundel’s. After chatting to him, we went and pissed around in a churchyard – quite literally.


The next thing I knew, we were back at Flash’s. This young lad doesn’t even remember walking up town. I must have ridden a white swan!


OLD DIARY ENTRIES…


This time 3 years ago:

‘I got Doctor Who Monthly 66 and Star Wars Monthly 159 from town. Both of them were brilliant.’





[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’ section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character ‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context.  Never forget: no man is an island.  If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1  July  2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

Wednesday, 12 June 1985

A Most Revealing Time for Ritcherd

(Last in present series)

‘Trans Europe Express’ – Kraftwerk


More bloody exams and sod all else! I hate them! Bastards!

Earlier this year, George said he’d get me a new stereo for my birthday. It hasn’t happened.

That Ro-Busters book my Gran said she’d ordered at Christmas still hasn’t arrived, either!


A sideways skull with comical eyeballs…

A bespectacled baldy with flared collar and checked kipper tie…







Now – travel through 6 months of Ritcherd’s life…
ADRIAN MOLE WAS A FAIRY TALE!
Repetition

Winterfood Productions
in association with
20th Century Fox
Present:

A MOST REVEALING TIME for
RITCHERD© Cert. PG

SUPPORT MOVIE: HOW TO PAINT A BANANA WHILST UNDERWATER©. Cert. PG

THE LATEST AND GREATEST BLOCKBUSTER FROM WINTERFOOD PRODUCTIONS…
…THE MEN WHO BROUGHT YOU NODDY OMEN VI©

BE AMAZED BY RITCHERD AS HE TAKES ON PARANOIA AND ADOLESCENCE…
…BE RENDERED AWESTRUCK AS RITCHERD CONTINUALLY STRIVES FOR A REAL EXISTENCE IN THE CRUEL, HARSH WORLD.
FEEL THE SORROW IN YOUR HEARTS AS THE FAMILY SPLITS UP.
MARVEL AT THE WILD PARTIES THROWN AND CAUGHT…
AS THE PRESSURES OF SCHOOL BEAR DOWN UPON OUR HERO, SEE HIS CONSTANT STRUGGLE FOR AN ENGLISH O-LEVEL. IS THIS POSSIBLE? CAN HIS ONLY GOAL BE ACHIEVED WHEN THE RIGOURS OF DOMESTIC LIFE HAVE BROUGHT HIS BRAIN TO A RATHER UNTIMELY HALT?
FIND OUT HOW RITCHERD SPENDS HIS BIRTHDAY MONEY!
BE STUNNED BY JUNE’S HOROSCOPE! ‘A LIFE OF BLISS FROM THE 12TH ONWARDS’? A GIRLFRIEND WHO IS ‘TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE’? FIND OUT SOON!
CRY OUT AT THE FATES OF HIS THREE FATHERS! WATCH IN AWE AS JON PAINTS THE HOUSE … AGAIN! WEEP AS PAUL GETS MARRIED! AND JUST WHAT IS GEORGE UP TO IN PORTUGAL?

RITCHERD STAYS HOME MOSTLY, BUT…

…FIT AS HE VISITS PONTEFRACT FOR A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH FLASH!
WITNESS, IN THIS, YES, THIS MOVIE, TWO LADS HITTING THE STREETS – AND THE BOOZE! PREPARE TO THRILL AT CHURCHYARD ANTICS! BE SHOCKED AS THEY GET IN LATE! IT’S ALL HERE, IN ‘A MOST REVEALING TIME FOR RITCHERD’!

Starring
RITCHERD WINTERFOOD
DANYEL ‘FLASH’ GORDON
GEORGE BAKER
BETTY BAKER
DAPHNE BACON
GILES BACON
FREDDIE DALE
MATT BACON

MUSIC BY TEN OUT OF TEN AND WALK IN THE TWILIGHT
IN ‘SHITTY’™ STEREO


Produced by: A. Twat

Directed by: A. Cunt

‘Real family entertainment’ The Times
‘…copes with adolescence brilliantly’ The Mirror
‘Shit’ The Daily Star
‘I’ve forgotten what it was about’ The Sun
‘Fuck off! I ain’t seen it yet! And I ain’t going to!’ Smash Hits
‘Not bad. Ritcherd is consistently pathetic’ No.1
‘A real weepy’ Some Stupid Twat in Leeds

INSPIRATION

INTRIGUE

A long-chinned Spock with a cat-like nose…

A cat-faced, leonine humanoid saying: Life!

Life!

Me, without a head, in lemon short-sleeved shirt (untucked), grey canvas slacks, white socks and black slip-on shoes…

Someone much cooler with long, quiffed hair, white rimmed shades, a spiky shouldered leather waist-coat, a long grey top with a leather belt over it, stripey drainpipe trousers and big, big baseball boots with prominent laces (Mike McMahon style)…

Exciting, isn’t it?

RITCHERD: West Walton is crap!
JABBA: Pontefract isn’t too brilliant…

God! Aren’t teachers just bloody queer and gay!

OLD DIARY ENTRIES…

This time 4 years ago:
‘I bought Smash Hits for the Adam Ant cover…

…It also featured stuff about Hazel O’Connor and had the words to ‘Will You’, plus words to ‘Ghost Town’ by The Specials.’

This time 2 years ago:
‘We were supposed to be going to Toyah’s birthday party at Aunty Vi’s today, but she didn’t have one cos Martin, Jeff and Kelly are staying with Grandma and Granddad Pritchard at the caravan in Barmston. I got Doctor Who Monthly issue 78.’

[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]

Tuesday, 11 June 1985

My 15th Birthday

‘Happy Birthday’ – Altered Images


Of course, it’s my birthday really! Ha-ha! And I didn’t get the bumps today, by the way, so fuck off, Twat!

[I am Ritcherd Winterfood, grandson of Eric Winterfood and Hattie Sugden on my father’s side, Chuck Pritchard and Lydia Peartree on my mother’s side. They had three children: Keith, Violet and my mother, Betty.

I know Eric and Hattie were married and had two children. My Dad, Jon Eric Winterfood, was born on 14th March 1951. His sister Louise came along much later, in 1963.

It was in the middle of that decade that my mother met my father.

At this time, Violet Pritchard met one Terrance ‘Terry’ Batchelor. They would marry and have three children, my cousins: Martin, Jeff and Kelly. This marriage would disintegrate during the ‘70s, and Vi would become involved with Brian Beard. They would have one child together: Toyah. Also at this time, Keith Pritchard met his wife, Lizzie. They would have two children: Vicky and Michael.

But we are more concerned with Jon Winterfood and Betty Pritchard who had fallen fantastically in love – much to the chagrin of the Pritchard clan. And from this love, they chose to have a child. Pretty soon, I was very much on my way into the world. Marriage appeared to be the correct thing for Betty and Jon, and this took place on 8th January 1970

At about 2am on the 11th June 1970, at Mary Gates Hospital, Wakefield, West Yorkshire, I was born; the first and only child of Jon and Betty Winterfood. I was late and upside down.

My first home was Eric and Hattie Winterfood’s place on Chequers Close in Pontefract, where my Mum and Dad were living, but I was soon taken into Hospital isolation in Brierly when I suffered – almost terminally – from Gastroenteritis. After two months away from my family, I finally recovered and moved into my parents’ new room at the Pritchard house on Chequerfield Road in September 1970.


The rest is chequered history… – Ritcherd, 1990]

After a hard day’s slog of exams, I went out this evening with Mum and Freddie who took me to the brilliant restaurant in The Duke’s Head at King’s Lynn for a £48.odd meal! They also gave me some money, bought me the brilliant Guinness Book of Hit Singles and a Terry’s choccy l’orange! We had a great night and I loved it.

I’m drunk… yet again!

OLD DIARY ENTRIES:

This time 2 years ago:
‘My 13th Birthday. I got money, money, money! I also got 1 Jedi figure and the Jedi Collector’s Edition book, which I didn’t really want and don’t really like.’


This time last year:
‘My 14th Birthday! Mum let me have a tea party with some friends: Joey, Dave and Legs. We sat in the beer garden under the sun and talked about Captain Britain, Alpha Flight, New Mutants, and the X-Men.’




[Text Copyright: Elton Townend Jones, 2010 / Images subject to control of Copyright Holder / While based on true life events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the 1980s, this blog is a work of fiction. Cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / All video clips used for illustrative purposes and no copyright infringement is intended.]