The (Crap) Dr Who Monster Gallery

8.25pm.

 

‘The Crystal Ship’ – The Doors

 

I dreamt about an All About Eve gig, last nite.  I was actually trying to reach a Mission gig, because I knew I’d find Natalia there, waiting for me.

 

Maybe Nat has written to me again.  I bet she’s wondering why I haven’t replied.  I hope she has.

 

How I wish I could see her.  It’ll be next week before I see her.  Perhaps touch her.  And express more than we have ever done before.  And that would be an achievement. 

 

I will write to her, but…  I’ve tried already and words have failed me. 

 

My feelings are doing the talking…

 

When she sent the Desert Vision I felt so unworthy.  I became feeble.  I’ll…

 

Oh, I need to see her, vent my feelings.  We will have to be together.  This separation time is too long.  I need to see her. 

 

I will ring her.

 

‘The Last Ray’ – This Mortal Coil

 

Then there’s Suzi. 

 

It’s different feelings for Suzi.  I’m dying to see her.  But the feelings do not match my feelings for Nat. 

 

I won’t say, ‘Oh, I’d better finish with Suzi for Nat’, because I’m not sure how the feelings are present.  I can’t really tell how different these two sets of feelings are.  But I know they are different.

 

I think Suzi is… beautiful.  And our emotions last Saturday nite…  I cannot explain this feeling.  I feel so emotionally ‘close’ to her.  Intertwined.  But maybe only physically.  And I want to be with her, but what does she feel?  She says I’m great and that she loves me, etc.  But I expect her feelings are nothing as near as intense as mine for her.

 

‘Fond Affections’ – This Mortal Coil

 

I feel so close – physically and astrally – to Nat.  I feel it with my soul.  I then turn into a guilty man, because Suzi has heard me describe Nat as ‘my soul-sister’ – only once and very briefly – but I have never mentioned Suzi to Nat.  What is more, I have no real urge to discuss one with the other.  And by the same token, I feel that I am being deceptive.  Logically, I’m doing nothing wrong.  Why cannot I have two separate sets of feeling for two different people?  I mean, they both know of Flash and they both know I probably love him more than anyone else on Earth.  So what’s stopping me from being open with them?  Maybe it’s my fear of two beautifully separate worlds coming together.

 

AND I STRESS THAT I AM USING NO ONE.

 

Does anyone understand?  I feel lots of sexual attraction to Suzi, which is what led to us meeting – and that sexual attraction still exists.  I got to know Natalia because when we met I instantly liked her.  Nat interested me, and, yes, it would be true to say I had physical/sexual feelings for her, but since last week I find I love her ‘purely’ – like she’s a long missing part of myself. 

[Yes – Natalia, ‘88]

She is very beautiful to my eyes, but also a valuable spirit with whom I shall one day be united – if not whilst I’m alive, then certainly in the world beyond death.  She, to me, is inspiration and hope.  She is a part of me, an immense column that holds up my soul.  Very really, she is my real love, my purest feelings and my dearest friend.  She is my true, true love at last. 

[Likewise – Natalia, ‘88]

I can’t adequately express what Natalia is to me.

 

What am I trying to say, Flash?

 

‘Barramundi’ – This Mortal Coil

 

I shall read this to you, Nat.  But not Suzi.  I want to read this to you, Natalia.  We are one.  You’ll understand.  I’ll only show you, Nat.  Never Suzi.

 

‘That must mean something,’ said my head just then.

 

I hope Suzi wrote, like she said she would.  I dreamt she hadn’t.

 

Today we have been great, here at Queen’s Park Drive.

 

CRAP THIS WEEKEND:  Not much, just cutting my face open when shaving, having no hayre spray, no Suzi and no Nat.  Feeling scruffy.  And it was empty, in a way, without MANDA.  I love MANDA, she’s ACE.  Shame.

 

IT’S…

THE (crap) DR WHO’S

& THE (crap) DR WHO MONSTER GALLERY

 

The thin Crap Daleks (1964)

The vesty Crap Ogrons (1979)

Wobbly Crap Bellal (1924)

Cranium-toppling Crap Davros (Never)

The flarey Crap Cybermen (1964)

The spindly Crap Vogans (1972)

The pincery Crap Ice Warriors (1909)

The gutsy Crap Ice Lords (1866)

Spikey Crap Aggedor (20001)

The dumpy Crap Yeti (Fuck off)

A type of Crap Auton with a hat and a flower (aardo)

The eye-bulging Crap Master (all the time)

An overweight Crap Silurian (1969, baby!)

The parrotty Crap Sea Devils (1904)

The grumpy Crap Sontarans (1066)

The limp-wristed Crap Zarbi (1732)

The beardy Crap Sensorites (Berwin BC)

The simplistic Crap Mechonoids (Greffy!)

The scribbly Crap Axons/and the scribbly Crap Krynoids (naff)

The cornet-headed Crap Daemons (1924)

Roberta ‘My Boy Lollipop’ Tovey (Crap)

 

Bill Nelson, angel-winged and Cowboy-booted, shoots his crackling, vortexy laser weapon into the sky...

To quote Mr Terry Nation:

 

SALAMANDER is Raight Cecil Gee.

 

The Cybermen and Zygons have a fight…

 

The weekend with Flash has been calm + rather uneventful, save for some creative conversation. 

 

Later:

 

Tonite, I received a letter from Suzi, containing some photos.  I’ve reproduced it here, but with all the truly appalling spelling and grammar corrected.  On the envelope, addressed to ‘Jez’, it said:

 

‘Enclosed: bit of my purple thingy, red bit of flower, piece of my purple hippy skirt, disgusting photos, terrible writing on awful paper (careful, utterly useless objects).’

 

And:

 

‘Beware Boring Letter’

 

The letter was indeed full of these things and smelt of the gorgeous Lou Lou perfume that she wears.  Actually, there were two letters.  Here’s the first:

 

‘Hi Jez –x–

 

It’s me, Suzi –x– in my own writing. 

 

I’m bored.  It’s unbelievable. 

 

I’ve got good news + bad news.  First the bad news (well, sort of): me and Leanne aren’t friends any more.  Good news: I’m not p.g.  I was in a real panic ever since I split up with Adam.

 

Am I going out with you or is this just a casual fling?

 

My lipstick’s changed – again?  It’s bizarre!!!!

 

I ♥ chocolate, cats, rats, tigers, wooden planks, Buddhas, biographies, scarves, ribbons, hair, ears, mouths, sex, clothes, dyeing things weird colours, vegetarians, bisexual people (etc) and soap operas.

 

I hate meat, Tories, Thatcher, 2-faced people, House Music, kids, old people, religion, the Law, so-called justice, society, hypocrites, dogs, spiders, possessive people, posh gits and black + white films.

 

Well, ‘That’s very interesting’, you say!!!  Sarcastically does it. 

 

Shall we go off on hols together??  Coz I’m bored.  And I want a break (NOW).

 

Oh yeah, by the way, I’ve got absolutely no patience and I’m very stubborn once I get my mind set on a thing.  I’m also very influenced by others.  I ♥ being on my own and hate people doing everything for me.  I’m an exceedingly unstable person and need constant attention or else I end up suicidal.

 

Well, there you go: the boring facts about me.

 

By the way, I think you are absolutely brilliant!!!!!!!!

 

Did you know that men with mistresses are more likely to die of heart attacks?  An exceedingly interesting fact, egh? 

 

I wanna see one of those pics you drew of me.  Please?

 

Everybody up Norwich is being a right bitch about you, Elf + me.  I really detest Leanne!  I ♥ her mum, though, she’s brilliant!!!!!!!!

 

It’s only Thursday tomorrow.  I can’t wait until Monday, coz I won’t have seen you for ages!

 

Well, bye

for now

 

Luv

‘n’

stuff

Suzi

-x-

 

The second letter goes like this:

 

‘Dear Jez,

 

Hi, it’s me.  I’m really happy!  I’ve just phoned you up, as you probably remember!  And if I can get a stamp, I’ll send this tomorrow morning.

 

I’ve just spent a thrilling hour talking to ANNA (yuk), Pen’s friend.  I’ve been rambling on about you, trying to be friendly. 

 

Hope you had a brilliant time in Leeds and are not too knackered from seeing your friend!

 

I really hate writing letters, but I’ve nothing else to do!!

 

I ♥ your trousers; I think they are absolutely brilliant!!  In fact, at the moment, I’m in a ‘me’ mood and I think everything’s brilliant.  Nothing affects me.  Brilliant!

 

I’ve just got 3 more pictures of Boy George from one of Pen’s friends!! 

 

Pen’s gone to a party in my clothes, boots, bangles, makeup + hair, etc.  She looks fine.

 

I still can’t wait until I can go to see The Sugar Cubes.  If you can’t come in, will you come and get me afterwards, please, hon?????  I’ll love you forever?

 

Dad says hello.  He’s brilliant, isn’t he?!!!!

 

I’m going to listen to The Doors now, so I’ll leave you for a mo’ to go to my room.

 

I ♥ ‘People Are Strange’; it’s brilliant!!!

 

Well, I’m in a very un-bitchy, un-nasty and very nice mood.  I’m going to send you this letter tomorrow!

 

I also decided that I ♥ All About Eve and ‘Flowers In Our Hair’, etc.  Brilliant.  I ♥ the words to Mission + All About Eve songs.  And Danielle Dax’s words are brilliant!

 

I’m listening to ‘Dark Cell’, so I can’t write now as this song is so brilliant – the best ever!  So deep, but uplifting.  Weird!’

 

Then she writes the lyrics of All About Eve’s ‘Shelter From The Rain’ to me.

 

Then she lists some of the music she’s got by various bands, including: The Doors, Fields Of The Nephilim, Ghost Dance, Sisters Of Mercy, The Sisterhood, The Mission, Fuzzbox, Rose Of Avalanche, New Model Army and The Cure.  To which she says:

 

‘Boring, egh?!!  I want some Sex Fiend, the Church, Danielle Dax, Cardiacs, Sugar Cubes, Mighty Lemon Drops, Smiths!  Got any of this stuff?  Or The Shop Assistants??

 

Dad’s just brought me up a cup of tea + some biscuits.  How cute!!!

 

Do you like Stump?  Or elephants?  Or penguins?

 

Well, this is about the longest letter I’ve ever written.  You must be a god, or I must be extremely bored.  Or p’r’aps it’s a combination of both, eh?

 

You said you wanted a longer letter.

 

Well, I’ve given you a few dreadful photos of me, like I said I would, but don’t show any of these to anyone – and I want them back, especially the school one, coz that’s rather embarrassing!!!

 

Well,

Love

‘n’

hugs,

hun,

Suzi

-x-

 

Her writing (‘writting’) and spelling are awful, but I am dying to see her because she’s extremely sexy.

 

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1987

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1986

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1985

 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘Natalia or Suzi?’

A New Shirt

‘Another Day’ – This Mortal Coil

 

When Eddie had gone, Flash and I talked for ages and then sort of went to bed, but we carried on talking for years about Suzi, Natalia, sex and all that stuff, which was very rewarding.

 

He’s my mate, is Flash.

 

And I realised once again that I cannot wait to see my two female loves.  I really can’t.

 

As the sun came up this morning, Flash and I were still awake and went for a dawn-lit walk around Castleford and in and around Queen’s Park in Airedale.

 

When we returned to Ashton Street, I slept as Flash watched his Grease video and listened to his The Prisoner LP.

 

We went in Leeds, where I bought a beautiful shirt from BAD.  It’s black and mostly white.  Sort of marble-effect.

 

We returned to Ashton and talked and ate curry from Lola’s.

 

Later:

9.20pm.

Ashton Street, Castleford.

 

‘Dreams Made Flesh’ – This Mortal Coil

 

I’M SO FRUSTRATED!  NATALIA.  THE LETTER WAS BEAUTIFUL.  I WANT TO REPLY, BUT I AM UP HERE IN THE HAVEN OF FLASH.  I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I WILL WRITE.

 

LIKEWISE WITH SUZI.  I’M DYING TO SEE HER.  TO TOUCH AND KISS, ETC.  OH.  FOR ONCE, I WON’T BE UPSET AT LEAVING CASTLEFORD FOR HOME (NOT THAT I’M RARING TO GO OR ANYTHING…)

 

OH, THINKING OF SUZI ON THE PHONE.  WE WERE SO ‘CLOSE’.  WOW!

 

MY NEW SHIRT EVENTUALLY COST £19, BUT I COVERED THE EXTRA £4.

 

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1987

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1986

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1985

 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘The (crap) Dr Who Monster gallery…’

Shirtgate

1.50pm.

 

‘Cathouse’ – Danielle Dax

 

I am VERY angry.  Betty said she’d give me some money for a shirt this weekend.  And has she?  Has she BOLLOX!!  And she was the one who offered!  I am VERY angry that she reneged on that.

 

Later:

6pm-ish.

 

‘Not Me’ – This Mortal Coil

 

I am VERY Angry!  I am at my Gran Winterfood’s.

 

‘You’ll grow out of it’, etc. (clothes, hair, etc.)

 

WORST OF ALL: I just shaved and slashed my face to bits!  YAARK!

 

Later:

A bit later.

 

Suzi!  She is beautiful.  I think of her and I am immediately sensually + sexually aroused.  What I could do with her!!!  Oh, let’s cross-dress, Suzi!  It’ll be a laugh!

 

Later:

 

‘A Single Wish’ – This Mortal Coil

 

BETTY RANG TONIGHT.  SHE’S MAKING OUT A CHEQUE FOR MY GRAN, WHO’S LENDING ME £15 FOR A SHIRT.

 

I RANG FLASH AND WE ARE BOTH SUPPOSED TO BE GOING BABYSITTING WITH EDDIE.

 

Later:

 

Flash and I didn’t go babysitting with Eddie.  We stayed in and Eddie joined us as we watched Brazil and Conquest of the Planet of the Apes.

 

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1987

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1986

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1985

 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘A new shirt…’

A Desert Vision

10.30am.

 

I have received a wonderful letter from Natalia today, featuring a beautiful poem entitled Saint Anthony and the Rose of Life (A Desert Vision), which is clearly relevant to the way we feel about each other.

 

A dark rose grew in the desert

A red and velvety flower

And opened her petals one by one

In the midnight hour

 

Her leaves were beautiful bright dark green

And this might only be seen

Because the full moon riding high

Threw a delicate beam

 

The rose grew in a sand

Of a horrible gray yellow

For the moon that hath made the rose red

Made the sand sallow.

 

A strapping life heavy and bright

Bulged in the rose and her leaves

And up from the roots of the substantial plant

The bold drops ran like thieves

 

Like burly thieves in a shadowy night

In a night of profound shades

They have carried aloft the colours of life

To haunt in the deathly glades

 

Oh rose, oh leaves so much alive

What are you doing here?

And why did you vanish at once away

In the light of a repentant tear?

 

‘THINK ABOUT IT.

 

Natalia xx’

 

BEAUTIFUL.

 

Later:

 

My No.1: ‘Song To The Siren’ – This Mortal Coil

 

SUZI rang tonite.  It was brilliant.  I was so happy on that phone.  And it seems she was, too.  We’re to spend a nite out under the stars next weekend.

 

Oh, that we could both have sex with Patricia Morrison and Danielle Dax and Danyel Gordon, all in the same bed at the same time.

 

OH, PATRICIA!  A PHASE REBORN!

 

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1987

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1986

WHAT RITCHERD IS UP TO IN 1985

 

[Images subject to control of individual Copyright Holders including works originated by Elton Townend Jones, but excluding any images or design attributed to ‘The Situation’ which are copyright of The Situation (see specific acknowledgements in the ‘Thanks to…’section below) / ‘Berwin Groomstool’ is an iteration of the Situation character‘William Whicker’ and falls under joint copyright of Elton Townend Jones and Waen Shepherd / Based on true events and designed as a study of parochial British cultural and emotional life in the late 20th century, this blog is a work of fiction – cultural icons excluded, all characters and incidents featured are entirely fictional / This blog is non-profit; all video clips are used for illustrative purposes and always come from YouTube / No copyright infringement is intended – just trying to get things into context. Never forget: no man is an island. If you think anything I’ve used is damaging you in any way, please comment and immediate action will be taken to minimise offence / This notice was amended on 1 July 2012 and is intended to cover this and all posts on www.25yearstoolate.blogspot.com that precede it]

 

Next time: ‘Shirtgate…’